Damaged.

 

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Grief I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of our eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.

I lost a very important person in my life 11 months ago. That was the most traumatizing moment of my life. I wasn’t ready… Well,  no one ever is when death knocks.

Have you ever been in a situation where you’re not in touch with your emotions? You don’t know if questioning God, crying or drinking yourself silly is the right thing to do. For 11 months I’ve lived in denial. Every single day I see her image or hear her voice. It’s not easy to forget someone who was a part of my life since I was a baby. Someone who was literally there every step of the way.

The night my dearest aunt took her last breath came as a rude shock to everyone. At that time I was still living in Kenya; Nairobi to be precise. One week earlier I got a call from my Dad informing me that my aunt was in the hospital and I should find time to pay her a visit. My family is based in Kisumu, that’s approximately 360 Kilometers from Nairobi; so its a 40-minute flight. The following day I was on my way to Kisumu.

She was really happy to see me when I got there. To me she looked so healthy and fine. Though her hand and face were a bit swollen; she looked very well and happy. Little did we know she was just trying to put on a brave face. We spent around an hour together catching up. Not knowing it would be our last. My aunt was a giver and she had the biggest heart ever. With a deep voice and the American height, she stood out in the crowd. In fact, her nickname was ‘height’. The most jovial woman ever. Its true, God takes the best among us.

My family is a large one. My aunt, the deceased was actually my step mother’s sister, so no blood relation; but you wouldn’t know. We were really close. She was everyone’s confidant and true to her words she took our secrets to her grave. She was Affable and had the most practical advice for every situation.

One thing I’ll always remember is how she was always present for all my important days. For instance my graduation from the university. If she sent me anywhere, I would go (like for my cousin’s visiting days in high school). During my wedding I knew something was missing. All my family members were present but I still felt a hollow space in my heart because she wasn’t there to witness another very important day in my life. I always loved being around her because she wasn’t afraid to criticize or compliment where due.

Like any normal person, she had every reason to be sad but always chose to be happy; or did a great job hiding her problems, pains and sorrows.  When I heard the news of her demise, I didn’t shed a tear. In fact since my aunt left, living in denial all this while and believing that shes still around and that I’m gonna see her soon have kept me going. Its so hard and painful to think about. My mind is still having trouble wrapping itself around the fact that she’s gone.

Goodbye…How can I say goodbye? To all the fun and laughter…To all the beautiful memories. How do I say goodbye to someone I loved and looked up to so much? To my confidant and friend. It hurts and its  amazing that the heart makes no noise when it cracks. I see her in my dreams and she smiles and looks happy. I believe she’s trying to tell me that she’s in a better place.

Since the day you got your wings, I’ve never been the same. I’ve learnt very valuable lessons from your departure:

  1. Be in love with your life. Every minute of it. The modern generation says YOLO (You Only Live Once).
  2. Constantly remind our loved of our love because, the harsh truth is that nothing lasts forever, so when you have it, enjoy it, appreciate it. Don’t take it for granted.
  3. Nothing lasts forever. Forever is a lie.All we have is whats between hello and goodbye.
  4. Love fiercely, because this all ends.
  5. Never give up on what you really want to do. the person with big dreams is more powerful than the one with all the facts. -Albert Einstein.

In loving memory of my aunt Tabitha Nyarumba. Rest with the angels dearest aunt ‘Height’. Till we meet again. If love could have saved you, you’d have lived forever.

Zitat: I wish heaven had visiting hours.

 

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “Damaged.

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  1. Your aunt must have been an impressive woman if she was able to inspire such love and then grief in you. She helped to shape your vision of the world. You are keeping her legacy alive in your text which is so gentle and so gracefully written and which, I am sure, will also help to heal your wounds.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The amount of relief I felt when I shared this post is immeasurable. She was a phenomenal woman and deserved much more than the world or any of us offered her. Thank you for the kind words and complement Stefan.

      Like

  2. Baby girl you gon be alright. I don’t think I’d love my step aunt let alone a step mum the way you love your extended family.She must have been an awesome aunt to you in life but in death she must be even more awesome because she gets to look over you from above. ♥

    Liked by 1 person

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